‘Women who’ve had facelifts – they all look like sisters.’

‘You must never leave mummy and daddy.’

‘I woke up in the night and I didn’t know who I was.’

‘I don’t want to eat anything with a face.’

‘I’d like a hug and a squeeze but I don’t want what goes with it.’

‘You can’t learn anything you don’t already know.’

‘Try to say something nice.’

smoking seriously damages your health
‘I never smoke seriously.’

‘”Is that a dead body in the road?”’
“It’s only a badger.”’

‘“He asked me to marry him.”
“What did you say?”
“Crumbs.”’

‘She ate seven chicken legs. I counted.’

‘A lot of people die in the lavatory.’

‘I’m going up to vacu pack the duvet.’

tbc

‘You find you can’t do things any more and then you stop wanting to do them, and I think that’s very kind of life.’

‘”A customer was sick over my wife in Carluccio’s.”
“Did they pay the dry cleaning bill?”’

tbc

‘I like a cold roast potato.’

‘After he won the Pullitzer Prize he became unbearable and I had to leave him.’

‘I’ve never seen one like that before.’

“‘I fell in love with her.’
‘You might as well slit your throat’”

‘They don’t love mother and they don’t love you.’

‘So I says to him, I says, “Hmm”.’

‘I like my old boilers.’

‘She couldn’t stick the way he ate tomatoes.’

‘They keep their cooker on the balcony.’

“‘He got knocked down by a bus on a zebra crossing.’
‘What number was it?’”

‘She won’t die wondering.’

‘It’s not her own hair.’

‘What it needs is a bit of bling.’

‘I’m very sensitive.’

tbc