The Offending Bin
Territorial encroachment is a cause of war. Green wheelie bins abound in Cornwall. In Mousehole, a huddle of tiny cottages without sheds or yards, which when the sea was still a home to fish were lived in by fishermen, Monday is bin day.
A friend has a cottage there. Her wheelie bin’s time-honoured home is up against her flank wall by her coal hod. But since Mrs Pinkerton who lives in the Midlands bought ‘Caan Du’ opposite and renamed it ‘Fisherman’s Nook’ my friend’s wheelie bin has not been in its rightful place. In spite of protest, each time she goes to Mousehole it’s been moved. On her last visit with me the bin was up the alley and bright blue pots of busy lizzies were lined against her wall. We fought back, moved the pots, chained and padlocked the wheelie bin to the drainpipe and read Mrs P’s email in one breath:
I hope you don't mind me contacting you about this, I have just had an email from our caretaker about our cottage and one of the things she mentioned is your wheelie bin. She is concerned that your wheelie bin has recently been fastened with a chain and padlock to the drainpipe so it can't be moved for refuse collection. I don't know whether you were aware of this?
Out of courtesy to you, I have asked our caretaker to check every week if our visitors have put rubbish in your bin and to put it out for collection if it has been used and to return it after collection. Obviously she now cannot move it as she doesn't have a key for the padlock, so if any rubbish is deposited it will have to stay in the bin until someone who has a key can move it. I just hope that this does not create an environmental problem and I thought I had better let you know about this as soon as possible. In the meantime I'm just not sure what to do about rubbish placed in your bin. What are your thoughts about this?
Dear Mrs Pinkerton
Your repeated moving of our green bin from the site it has always occupied has irritated us.
It butts against the side of our house beside our coal hod. That has been its site for the past ten years.
Now, each time we visit, we find it moved. When you compounded this by putting plant pots in its place against our wall we decided to buy a chain by way of deterrent.
It is a pity if you are unable to prevent your tenants putting rubbish in it for it has a large 54 painted on the lid. As for the environmental problem you say you fear, I suggest your cleaner removes rubbish put in our bin by your tenants and puts it in your own bin.
I have contributed to this conflict by giving poor strategic advice. Neither side shines. Prolonged negotiation should have been the preferred course. One of my unperformed plays (see Other Work), is called The Ditch is my Boundary. It’s a neighbourhood piece that ends in shoot-out from up a tree. Mrs Pinkerton is right to choose not to pursue this email exchange. I wonder where the offending bin will be when next I visit Mousehole.